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So this is honesty Today I was out at lunch, sitting with my left side to a mirrored salad bar. I turned around and saw a woman in the mirror. To my mouthdropping shock it was me. I had no idea I weighed that much. Why don't people tell me these fucking things?! It would be nice if someone would say "hey, you're bigger than you think you are" in a nice way. But no, all I get from my Mom is "wow you look great have you lost weight?" or "You don't look like you weigh that." She is my Mom. I think they are programmed to say things like that. I am depressed and despairing. The really sad thing is that: A. I can't seem to get off my ass and do anything to lose weight, and B. I can't stop putting things in my mouth, even when I'm full. Yes folks, I'm addicted to food. Seriously. I use it as my security blanket and my comfort. They say admitting it is the biggest step, right? There you go. I'm fucked up and I'm hurting myself so bad emotionally that it's almost physically painful. I see people walking by who are just gorgeous and thin and they look so happy and get to wear whatever they want. And they don't worry every second whether people are staring at them where ever they go and thinking mean things about their weight. I'm ruining my health. My whole family has always been heavy, so I see what it's doing to them and know that any time I could be like that. Today I didn't want to leave the house. I'm always tired. I feel like it's impossible to get up and start exercizing. I just want to hide. Today I was so depressed that I wondered whether life was really worth it. I know it is though. Thats one thing I'm certain of. I just wish I could find someone to whom I could say Please help me, I can't do this by myself anymore. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to cry. |